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How to Get Out of the Middle

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July 7, 2015
Parenting is not always a walk in the park. We're tasked with making decisions on topics like discipline, education, technology, special needs and more every single day... It's no surprise that we often have questions, seek support and sometimes even validation. While no "one-size-fits-all guide to parenting" exists, Parents Ask, Experts Answer by Tina Nocera, offers caring, informed responses to real questions from real parents by a panel of 35 experts. Read on as Tina offers advice for a common parent challenge, then find out how you can win a copy of Parents Ask, Experts Answer.

Question - My children (ages four and six) seem to fight all the time and I end up in the middle, all the time.  It is exhausting and I had a different vision of what it would be like having two boys close in age.  This isn't fun.


It is exhausting for parents to play the role of referee.  It’s too much to keep track of and a way to create the perception of the ‘favorite child’.  

Parents love their first child so much that we want more, and it’s wonderful to grow up with siblings. But imagine if your spouse comes home and says, “Honey, I love you so much, I want another spouse.” Wait – that’s already a reality show! Kidding aside, our children want our love and attention all to themselves – no sharing.

Here is how I got out of the middle. It's a technique that worked so successfully for me that the teachers asked how come my children (20 months apart) got along so well.



I realized that most of what we do as parents is referee. That means we are making judgments, without the facts. So that I would no longer be the “bad cop,” I decided to take myself out of the game. We started “child of the day” at our house when our kids were even younger than yours.  Basically, child of the day is a very simple system of responsibility and rewards. Each day you mark on the calendar who is “child of the day”. I would put their initials only. When it came time to decide what story to read, what movie to watch, what snack etc. the decision went to the child of the day.  That was the reward part. The responsibility part was the things that needed to get done, but not necessarily any one person's chore. For example, I need something out of the pantry, and I would say, “Who is child of the day?”

It took me out of the middle, and just like a baseball game where the umpire makes a bad call in inning two and then makes an equally bad call to offset the first one in inning seven, I wasn't doing that. It was simply fact... who is child of the day?

Now my children are both adults, and if you ask them who the favorite child is, they will both say ME! This really works.

Find more of Tina Nocera’s expert tips, tricks and strategies in her new book, Parents Ask, Experts Answer, available at Gryphon House.

Macaroni Kid is excited to have a copy of Parents Ask, Experts Answer to giveaway to one lucky reader. To enter, simply leave a comment below telling us how you settle disagreements between your kids, or if you plan on trying Tina Nocera's technique.

Entries will be taken until 5pm EST on 7/21/15 using random.org and notified via email. For official rules click HERE.