A Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
Gilly, my 2 year old, breaks free of my hand and runs and won't stop. It scares me to death. Please don't judge me, but I have the monkey backpack (aka leash) for when we are out at the zoo or airport etc, but it's the little things like parking lots and just walks in the area that stress me out!
Noël Janis-Norton:
Whenever parents ask me about safety issues like this, my answer is easy. Do whatever you have to do to keep your child safe. Every positive discipline strategy I teach can be chucked out the window. If your child is in danger, grab her, run after her—whatever it takes to keep her safe.
Once your child is safe, your first reaction may likely be to set your child straight and to tell her what she did wrong and what to do differently the next time. As natural as this reaction is, there’s a problem with it. When we lecture our kids, it’s usually right after they’ve done something wrong and when they are the least receptive. Nobody likes to hear about what they’ve done wrong—not kids and not adults either. It feels bad and we tune the criticism out.
Now there is a lot that you can do to prevent most safety problems. It begins with a few simple strategies that are part of a skill we teach called “Preparing for Success: Simple Strategies that prevent behavior problems”. Preparing for Success is about recognizing that if something has gone wrong in the past, it will probably happen again, and you’ll need to do something different to get a different result. But what should you do?
Wait until you’ve calmed down and there is a neutral time. A “neutral” time is when you’re not upset with your child and your child isn’t upset with you. At this point, you can do a highly effective technique called a “think-through” with your child. A think-through maximizes the likelihood of your child cooperating by jogging her memory about your expectations and rules.
In a think-through, you’re going to ask Gilly a series of leading questions about what she needs to do in a parking lot, and she will answer them. First make sure that you have a rule about whatever the safety concern is. For example, your rule might be, “When you go in the car with Mom or Dad to the store, you have to hold our hand in the parking lot until we get inside the store.”
Here’s how the think-through might go:
Parent: “Gilly, when we go to the store or the zoo or anywhere in the car with Mom or Dad, what happens after we unbuckle you from your car seat?”
Gilly: “I climb down.”
Parent: “That’s right. And what do you do after you climb down and get out of the car?”
Gilly: “I go to the store.”
Parent: “That’s right. You go to the store with Mommy. And as soon as your feet get out of our car, what will you need to do with your hand?”
Gilly: “Hold Mommy’s hand.”
Parent: “You remembered the rule! You always hold Mom or Dad’s hand when you get out of the car. And how long do you hold Mommy’s hand?”
Gilly: “Until Mommy says?”
Parent: “Yes. Until I say you can let go.”
Here’s why think-throughs are so effective. When we tell our children what to do, we’re hoping that they will take it seriously, think about what we’re saying and remember it. Unfortunately, a lot of the time they’re barely even listening. However, with a think-through, your child is the one saying what she has to do, and that has a definite impact on her memory. The way the human brain works is that when we say something, we automatically visualize whatever it is that we’re talking about. In fact, that’s what we mean by thinking. A large part of thinking is seeing a picture in our heads. So when you ask questions and she has to tell you the right thing to do, her brain has no choice but to create a mental picture of herself doing whatever it is that she’s talking about. And as she answers questions correctly, you can also give her descriptive praise for her answers.
If your child isn’t verbal yet, just ask her the questions and answer them yourself. Pretty soon she’ll be able to answer them because she’s heard you say it so often.
The more think-throughs you do, the quicker your child will remember your safety rules and follow them. Take the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting challenge and start doing think-throughs about this or any other behavior you want to change. This strategy works across all behavior problems.
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