Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
My 3 1/2 year old loves to call everything stupid when he is mad and sometimes hits, including mom and dad! How do we deal with this behavior?
Noël Janis-Norton:
At this age, many children hit when they are experiencing frustration, so you have lots of company out there. And even though it’s normal, it’s certainly not desirable!
When children have some big emotion, like anger or frustration, they are not mature enough to be able to say, for example, “I’m mad because my baby sister is getting so much attention, and I would like some special time with you.” Instead, they scream or hit to act out their frustration.
By definition, children are immature. So as much as you may be tempted to say something like, “Use your words, don’t hit,” it simply won’t be effective. Your son doesn’t have the words to use. What he does have are strong emotions, and the only way he knows how to express them is with some type of misbehavior, such as hitting.
Here are two powerful strategies that will work to greatly diminish the name-calling and hitting.
Start by using the Reflective Listening technique, which is the best way to defuse any strong emotion your son may be feeling and to help him move through it more quickly. It will help him to feel heard and understood and will reduce the impulse to hit, yell, call names or throw a tantrum. Just imagine how your son might be feeling and reflect that back in words. Using the earlier example, you could say, “You probably wish I could play with you right now instead of nursing your little sister. It’s frustrating to have to wait.”
Another key strategy is to make sure your son is hearing lots of Descriptive Praise whenever he is frustrated and doesn’t hit. This means noticing and describing specifically what he’s done right or didn’t do wrong (or even just small steps in the right direction). “You look so disappointed, but you didn’t hit me. You remembered where to keep your hands.” Or, “You might be mad, but you’re controlling yourself.” Or, “You yelled, but you didn’t hit.”
Descriptive Praise is not intuitive for most parents. It’s easier to correct and point out what our children have just done wrong, but unfortunately that doesn’t motivate them to change their behavior. Descriptive Praise is an effective and powerful teaching tool because it reinforces the right behavior, and in fact, it teaches the child what the right behavior is in a positive way.
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