Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
My son digs his heels in whenever we try to get him to do something, whether it’s washing his hands for dinner or starting the bedtime routine. It seems like I just repeat myself and nag, and then it’s not until I start to yell that he does it. Help!
Noël Janis-Norton:
In the forty years I’ve been consulting with parents, this is the issue I hear about that frustrates parents the most. Parents are desperate for more effective alternatives to the repeating, nagging and raised voices that can create a negative home environment.
At Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, we do have a few simple steps to solve this problem. We call it “The Never Ask Twice Method”. You can use these six steps whenever you want your child to transition – to stop doing one thing and start doing something else. Your child isn’t doing anything wrong, you just need him to start doing the next thing.
Here’s a story a mom shared with us after attending a seminar.
“I used to have to repeat myself so many times when I wanted my three and five year old boys to do even the simplest tasks. I thought I might as well just press the repeat button on my recorder and turn the volume up until they did what I asked! I couldn’t think what else I could do to get my children to listen to me.
So when I went to Noël’s seminar and learned about the Never Ask Twice method, I couldn’t wait to try it on my boys. Could it really work?
I found out the next morning. When it was time for my eldest son to stop playing and put his shoes on for school, I stopped what I was doing and went to where he was playing. I stood right in front of him, told him what I wanted him to do, and then I waited. I didn’t repeat myself. I just waited patiently, following the steps by Reflectively Listening to how he might be feeling, ‘It’s hard to stop playing legos when you’re in the middle of building something,’ or Descriptively Praising him, ‘You’ve stopped playing and you’re not arguing about getting ready.’
On the first day I had to wait maybe half a minute, though not as long as I normally would have when I’d be repeating myself. And when he realized I wasn’t going to go away, he did put his shoes on. Each day I did the same thing, and it got easier and easier, and I had to wait a shorter time before he went to put his shoes on. The truly amazing thing was that by the third or fourth day my son came and found me in the kitchen and said,
‘Mummy, look at my feet.’ I did, and sure enough he had shoes on.
‘But I didn’t even ask you!’ I said.
‘I know,’ he said with a big smile, ‘I read your mind!’
I was really shocked that the Never Ask Twice method worked so well. And now I use it whenever I want my kids to do something. I don’t need that tape recorder any more!”
These are the kinds of stories we hear all the time when parents try “Never Ask Twice”.
Here are the six very simple steps in this method.
1. Stop what you’re doing, go to where your child is, and stand and look at him.
2. Wait until he stops what he’s doing and looks at you.
3. Say what you want him to do – clearly, simply and only once.
4. Ask him to repeat the instruction back to you.
5. Stand and wait.
6. While you’re standing and waiting: notice every step in the right direction (Descriptive Praise) and acknowledge how your child might be feeling at the moment (Reflective Listening).
Now here’s a fascinating thing. You’ll rarely have to go beyond step three before your child will go and do what they ask. In fact, often you won’t even have to go past step one! Why? Because the first key step is so respectful that children will respond differently. It’s not what they are used to us doing. We tend to skip this first step and shout orders from another room or up the stairs. These steps also show intentionality – that you mean what you say and that you’ll follow through.
Try it and experience the results for yourself. Transitions will become smoother and easier for everyone, and you can say goodbye to repeating and reminding!
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