By: Noel Janis-Norton

Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
We got a letter from my youngest son's teacher last night about him not listening to his preschool teachers. He is very stubborn, but we've never had a problem with him not listening to his preschool teachers though it does usually takes 2-3 times for him to listen to us! I would love to know how to get him to listen. Luckily he isn't the only one not listening to his teacher, but he is in the pack that apparently is always pushing the line. Help!

Noël Janis-Norton
It can be so worrying when you hear from the school about your child’s behavior. The good news is that what you do at home will absolutely have an impact on what’s happening at school. One thing I’ve observed over the forty years I’ve been working with families is that kids learn their habits at home and then take them to school. It’s often the case that kids behave better at school than they do at home, but if you have a child who tends to have a more intense, impulsive or stubborn temperament, he will be more likely to “push the line” at school.

Here’s a story that shows how quickly what one Mom did at home resulted in better behavior at preschool - just by using the strategy we teach called Descriptive Praise.

“I went to a Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting talk last night but was not so convinced Descriptive Praise would work. One of my boys constantly screams – happy, sad, it doesn’t matter – he just looks me in the face and opens his mouth as big as he can and lets out the loudest shrieks.

I didn’t believe that acknowledging Sean’s quiet moments would make any real difference, but I figured I had nothing to lose, so I tried it. This morning I mentioned every small thing I could see that he was doing right, especially whenever he used a quiet voice. I waited through his three screams until he had his mouth shut or was talking instead of screaming and said, ‘I notice how quiet you are, Sean. Now I want to listen to you.’ And wow! Instead of screaming all morning, he was quiet. He was also much quieter at preschool (he screams there too), and as I was picking him up, the preschool director took me aside and asked what we were doing differently. I told her about the seminar and Descriptive Praise and how it was working after just two hours of implementation.”

So the first thing I recommend is to notice and mention whenever your son does listen and cooperate. It’s very easy to focus on the times he doesn’t, but there are probably many times a day where he actually does do what you ask. We’ve got to capture those times and mention them! At the moment, he’s probably getting a lot of attention for not listening. And whatever we give attention to, we get more of. So if he’s getting attention for not listening, he’ll do it more. We’ve got to break this cycle of what he’s getting attention for.

And when teachers in a classroom also start noticing and mentioning what kids are doing right instead of pointing out what they are doing wrong, teachers will get much better classroom behavior too. If a teacher says, “I can see Sean is ready to listen. He has his pencil in front of him, he’s sitting tall in his chair and he’s looking up at me”, the kids around him will quickly get their pencils ready and look up at the teacher. All children want attention from their parents and teachers, but we have to make an effort to give them positive attention. When we do, we’ll get more positive behavior.

So always start with Descriptive Praise. It’s the #1 motivator for children. The second thing to do if you want your child to listen the first time and not the second or third (or tenth!) is to use a simple, proactive strategy called a think-through. To learn about this effective technique, click on the link above to read my earlier article that explains exactly how to do it. We’ve all tried repeating, reminding, bargaining and pleading, and it isn’t very effective at helping our children to become first time listeners. Think-throughs make it easier for our children to cooperate the first time and harder for them to ignore us or argue. When you combine think-throughs with Descriptive Praise, you’ll find that your son will become more and more cooperative both at home and at school.

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