Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
My daughter, who is six, can be incredibly negative, always looking for something to complain about or to criticize. Sometimes, she's an absolute angel, but often she has nothing nice to say. Do I ignore her negative, critical comments or is there something more constructive I can do?
Noel Janis-Norton
Not only is it very worrying when our kids blame a lot or complain and criticize, but it can also start to create a negative environment at home.
There is definitely a more constructive way to deal with this and to help your daughter become more positive and to take more responsibility, but I don’t recommend ignoring as a strategy. The main reason is because it’s almost impossible to do! When our child is blaming or criticizing or complaining, we can’t help but to want to “fix it” by justifying, reasoning and explaining, and unfortunately this understandable reaction on our part often leads to arguing and ends up making the problem worse. Ignoring also won’t to help reduce the negative behavior.
There are a few things you can do to help minimize complaints and negative comments. The most effective strategy is to listen in a very specific way called Reflective Listening. It is one of the five core skills of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting.
When children are very negative it’s often because they feel bad about something – it could be that they’re being blamed for sibling conflicts, not doing well at school, socially or academically, or they’re not getting enough one on one time with you and your husband and so seek your attention in negative ways.
So the first thing to do is to momentarily stop what you’re doing and listen to her. Then take a second to imagine what she might be feeling – below the level of her words or actions. For example, “I hate fractions” usually means “I don’t know how to do it and it seems too hard.” Refusing to put toys away might mean “I’m having such a good time that I don’t want to stop.” Whining and complaining might be how she has learned to get your attention. It’s all too easy to misread the code. A lot of inappropriate behavior is caused by a child not knowing what else to do with her uncomfortable feelings of frustration, embarrassment, anger, worry, etc.
Ask yourself what feeling might be driving her to do this, to say this or feel this and take an educated guess about what might be going on inside. Then rather than trying to change her thoughts with logic, reassurance or a mini-lecture, simply reflect back to her what you imagine she’s feeling. This is where the strategy of Reflective Listening gets its name. Whether you guess right doesn’t matter; the benefit comes from your child feeling listened to and respected. If your daughter is complaining that she can’t do something, instead of saying, “You can do it. It’s not hard!” you could say, “”You might be thinking this looks too hard. You don’t want to get it wrong.”
The more we Reflectively Listen, the more comfortable our children will become with acknowledging their feelings. If we want to wean our child off complaining and blaming, paradoxically we need to not try to change her mind and argue her out of what she’s thinking and feeling. For example, if a she says, “They wouldn’t play with me”, instead of reassuring, you could say, “You were probably feeling really left out” or “It sounds like that hurt your feelings”. This will help her work through these feelings faster and to move toward problem solving.
If your child continues to blame instead of being more mature and taking responsibility for her part in the problem, resist the temptation to interrupt and to set her straight. Just wait a few seconds until she stops talking and then reflect back to her again whatever it is that it seems like she’s feeling. This will help you stay calmer than if you were trying to find a solution. Any solution you can come up with, you can be pretty sure your child is going to shoot down!
It’s also important to notice whenever she doesn’t complain or blame and to mention that she’s being mature or positive or responsible – whatever the case may be. This Descriptive Praise will help her to reinvent herself as someone who is positive, flexible and mature!
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