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Cooperation: The stepping-stone to self-reliance
Tips From Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting
By: Noël Janis-Norton
A Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
I’ve noticed in past columns that you tend to emphasize getting kids to cooperate with their parents. My husband is afraid this will turn our kids into robots. He wants our kids to think for themselves and not just do what we tell them to do.
Noël Janis-Norton
This brings up such a great point. As important as cooperation is, it is not what most of us consider to be our ultimate goal for our children. But lack of cooperation is what causes parents the most frustration and stress, so it’s the first thing parents always tell me that they want to improve.
What is it that we want for our children as they head out into the larger world? What skills do we want them to have so that they can lead productive lives and have rewarding relationships?
The answers we hear the most are confidence and self-reliance, and there’s a great reason why. Children who are confident and self-reliant enjoy the satisfaction that comes from doing things for themselves. They become more flexible so they have an easier time adjusting to new and different environments and handling any adversity they encounter. When they eventually leave home and go out into the world, they will have the necessary life skills to successfully manage the transition into adulthood.
So how do we help our kids develop self-reliance and confidence? You can start by having your kids (even very young ones) do all the things for themselves that they are capable of doing. Self-reliance is actually the stepping-stone to confidence. The more your children do things for themselves, the more confident they will become.
Of course, we all know that it’s quicker and easier to make the bed ourselves, or to tie our child’s shoes or to load the dishwasher ourselves than it is to teach and supervise our child as she learns, bit by bit, day by day, to do it properly. But it’s so important to persevere! Teaching and training are investments that pay dividends much sooner than you can imagine. When we continue to do things for our children that they could do for themselves, we are unintentionally robbing them of opportunities to become more self-reliant and confident.
So I recommend that whenever you’re doing something for your child, always be thinking, ‘What bit of this can he learn to do for himself?’ and start teaching him how. You’ll feel good about giving him one more life skill!
You may be thinking, ‘But I can’t even get my child to sit at the table, let alone clear his plate!' This is why we must first put our efforts into helping our children develop the habit of cooperating. And we need to do this not just for our sanity but because cooperation is actually the gateway habit into self-reliance and confidence. Until our kids are cooperative, they often aren’t willing to do things for themselves (self-reliance) or willing to try new things (confidence).
So it is essential to learn how to help your children become more cooperative. Strategies we teach such as Descriptive Praise will motivate your children to want to do what you ask and think-throughs will help them to do these things without reminders. When you use these two core strategies of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, you can transform resistant kids into cooperative kids in a short space of time.
When your child is listening and cooperating, he is doing what you ask him to do. But when your child is self-reliant, he no longer needs you (or his teacher!) to tell him what to do and how to do it. A self-reliant child has reached the stage where he tells himself the right thing to do and then he remembers to do it.
As your kids become more self-reliant and more confident, life at home will be much more pleasant. You will find yourself doing less and less for them, and you will have the satisfaction and confidence that comes from knowing that your kids are actively learning the skills, habits and values that are important to you!
For parenting tips, follow the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting Blog, get more tips from Noël on Twitter @calmerparenting and to sign-up for our newsletter, email [email protected]
I’ve noticed in past columns that you tend to emphasize getting kids to cooperate with their parents. My husband is afraid this will turn our kids into robots. He wants our kids to think for themselves and not just do what we tell them to do.
Noël Janis-Norton
This brings up such a great point. As important as cooperation is, it is not what most of us consider to be our ultimate goal for our children. But lack of cooperation is what causes parents the most frustration and stress, so it’s the first thing parents always tell me that they want to improve.
What is it that we want for our children as they head out into the larger world? What skills do we want them to have so that they can lead productive lives and have rewarding relationships?
The answers we hear the most are confidence and self-reliance, and there’s a great reason why. Children who are confident and self-reliant enjoy the satisfaction that comes from doing things for themselves. They become more flexible so they have an easier time adjusting to new and different environments and handling any adversity they encounter. When they eventually leave home and go out into the world, they will have the necessary life skills to successfully manage the transition into adulthood.
So how do we help our kids develop self-reliance and confidence? You can start by having your kids (even very young ones) do all the things for themselves that they are capable of doing. Self-reliance is actually the stepping-stone to confidence. The more your children do things for themselves, the more confident they will become.
Of course, we all know that it’s quicker and easier to make the bed ourselves, or to tie our child’s shoes or to load the dishwasher ourselves than it is to teach and supervise our child as she learns, bit by bit, day by day, to do it properly. But it’s so important to persevere! Teaching and training are investments that pay dividends much sooner than you can imagine. When we continue to do things for our children that they could do for themselves, we are unintentionally robbing them of opportunities to become more self-reliant and confident.
So I recommend that whenever you’re doing something for your child, always be thinking, ‘What bit of this can he learn to do for himself?’ and start teaching him how. You’ll feel good about giving him one more life skill!
You may be thinking, ‘But I can’t even get my child to sit at the table, let alone clear his plate!' This is why we must first put our efforts into helping our children develop the habit of cooperating. And we need to do this not just for our sanity but because cooperation is actually the gateway habit into self-reliance and confidence. Until our kids are cooperative, they often aren’t willing to do things for themselves (self-reliance) or willing to try new things (confidence).
So it is essential to learn how to help your children become more cooperative. Strategies we teach such as Descriptive Praise will motivate your children to want to do what you ask and think-throughs will help them to do these things without reminders. When you use these two core strategies of Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, you can transform resistant kids into cooperative kids in a short space of time.
When your child is listening and cooperating, he is doing what you ask him to do. But when your child is self-reliant, he no longer needs you (or his teacher!) to tell him what to do and how to do it. A self-reliant child has reached the stage where he tells himself the right thing to do and then he remembers to do it.
As your kids become more self-reliant and more confident, life at home will be much more pleasant. You will find yourself doing less and less for them, and you will have the satisfaction and confidence that comes from knowing that your kids are actively learning the skills, habits and values that are important to you!
For parenting tips, follow the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting Blog, get more tips from Noël on Twitter @calmerparenting and to sign-up for our newsletter, email [email protected]
Comments
1) pamb said:
I am assuming that the letter writer's children are still small, as I can't imagine a parent of school aged children saying that they don't want to teach their child to co-operate.
Can you imagine the chaos in the classroom with every child 'doing their own thing'? Each special snowflake not sharing their crayons or singing the ABC song because their parents didn't want to turn them into a robot who only does what is told?
Good grief.
Their is a difference between teaching a child to stand up for themselves when they need to and refusing to teach your child how to get along with others.
The first child has a chance to get along in society. The second child does not.
2) Rosie said:
There is a whole new generation of kids being raised by parents that want them to think for themselves... and boy are we in trouble. These are the same children that are running like lunatics through the stores, through the schools, at weddings and all sort of family functions. These are the same kids that nobody wants to babysit because they are just so busy thinking for themselves that they have no idea what proper behavior is. Children need parents to teach them to be respectful and cooperstive, and just as a child is taught to cooperate he or she can be taught to think for themselves when the time is right. I want to see dear old dad up there to let us know how that thinking for yourself thing works out for him, especially in the teen years. In the meantime I will continue to deal with the wonderful job he has given me of explaining to my children why in the world that little kid who is throwing, hitting and yelling at his mom in the store is a bad boy.
3) Amber said:
Is there a variation of the think-through that works on husbands?
4) Joyce Northrop said:
Some very good thoughts on learning self reliance and independance
5) PeppyMom said:
I think getting kids to cooperate is not really an easy step by step procedure. I want them to think for themselves but they should always ask their parents or an adult for guidance. The best thing about cooperative kids is that both parents and kids get to enjoy chores without making it feel like hard work.
Going to the grocery and letting my son pick up what he wants (w/ guidance of course) and asking him for opinion about things we should or should not get is a big step on teaching them independence and self reliance. That is also way of letting them know that we value they have in mind and that they are a very significant part of our household.
6) Notajudgymom said:
There is a lot of difference between cooperation and compliance. A lot of parents want compliance and call it cooperation. It is horrible to think every child who doesn't behave in public is due to the parents fault. I see a child "running around like a lunatic" and think 'wow, I hope that child is ok, I am a very lucky parent to have a healthy child' Maybe the child is autistic, or has a mental condition. Maybe suffering from undiagnosed PANDAS, maybe OCD, or manic-depression, or sensory processing disorder..who knows? But I am not one to assume that it is poor parenting and lack of 'cooperation'.
I can't begin to even imagine "when the time is right" for my child to think for themselves, if they are never gain any confidence to think for themselves any other time. I have a 5 year old, she thinks for herself, shares her toys, compliments other children when they do nice things, thanks people for doing things, stands up to kids who treat other kids badly, because she is taught EMPATHY, which seems to be lacking from a lot of parents, if these comments are any indication. Her teachers give her wonderful reviews about her treatment of other children in the class and her inquisitive mind.
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