Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
Whenever we take the three-hour car trip to see our 4 year-old son’s grandparents, he asks us “Are we off the freeway?” or “Are we there yet?” repetitively for 2 ½ of the 3-hour trip! It doesn’t seem to matter what we say; he just keeps asking. How can we get him to stop?
Noël Janis-Norton
Well, this brings back memories. I can remember driving my parents crazy with these same types of questions! They answered me, responding with reassurance and logic, “Just one more hour, dear, and we’ll be there.” And then my sister and I kept asking, and they continued to assure us, and yet our questions kept coming.
Luckily there’s a very simple strategy that you can use that can vastly reduce, and even eliminate altogether, the incessant “Are we there yet” kinds of questions.
There is a reason our kids ask us these questions again and again. It’s because we keep answering them! Without even realizing it, we give them a lot of attention for the behavior. Remember that we will always get more of whatever it is that we give attention to.
So we first need to recognize that if something has gone wrong in the past, chances are it will go wrong again. We often have a sort of ‘blind amnesia’ about past annoying behavior. Even though the behavior is happening on every road trip, we just hope that it will somehow magically disappear for this next road trip! But it doesn’t, so we tend to react with irritation again. We’ve got to get proactive, which means that we need to do something different if we want a different result.
Here’s what to do. A few days before the road trip, do several ‘think-throughs’ with your son about the trip. I’ve mentioned this think-through strategy in previous articles, but it is such a positive and powerful strategy that I want to show you how it can be used across a variety of behavior issues. I encourage you to click on this link to learn more about them so they can become part of your parenting toolkit. It is the best strategy to help change any annoying habit. It’s about you asking your child questions and him thinking and answering. You could say,
Parent: When we go to grandma’s house this Friday, how will we get there?”
Child: In our van.
Parent: You’re right. And it can be hard to sit for a long time in the car. You’ll probably wish we were there long before we are. How will you know when we get there?
Child: When the car stops?
Parent: Great answer. That might be true, but why else might we have to stop?
Your son: Get a snack or get gas?
Parent: That’s true, we might. So how will you know when we get to grandma’s for sure?
Your son: When we see her house and stop?
Parent: That’s right. You may even recognize the street because you know Grandma’s house. Now you’ve been used to asking us when we’ll get there and Dad and I have been answering you each time, but we won’t anymore because you already know the answer.
The more you prepare before the trip in this way, the more likely it will be that he won’t ask near as often or maybe not at all. Now if he does ask you during the trip, you can just say, “Good question. When will we be there?” He might say, “When we’re there.” Then you can praise him for answering his own question. If you think he’ll be more persistent and ask “Why won’t you tell me?” Just stay calm and say, “I’m glad you asked that. Why do you think Dad and I won’t tell you? Take a guess.”
A mom recently emailed me about her success using think-throughs for this exact behavior, reporting that her son only asked twice at the end of the trip, whereas before she said it was 20 – 30 times! Also notice that in this example, the parent also empathized with how her son might feel, acknowledging his frustration with sitting for a long time and wishing they could be there sooner. This way of listening, where we reflect back how our child might be feeling, is called Reflective Listening, and it’s the best way to defuse frustration or any strong emotion. It shows our child that we care and that we’re on his side.
The more you use these proactive strategies, the less whining on road trips you’ll have. Family life will definitely become calmer, easier and happier!
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