MK reader:
What should I do when my child lies? There are times when I know he isn't truthful about something but he denies it. What's the best way to handle lying?
Noel:
There are a number of things I'd like to say about lying; it's a complicated topic. First of all, let’s acknowledge that all of us probably lie every day. We tell little white lies so that we won’t hurt somebody’s feelings or we say we’ve finished something when we haven’t quite finished, so we won’t get into trouble or maybe so someone won’t be annoyed with us. The difference between our lying and our children’s lying is that our children haven’t yet learned what kind of lying is socially acceptable in this culture. So let’s not think of their lying as horrible or as a moral defect! Let’s just think of lying as that our child hasn’t learned yet when it’s OK to lie and when it’s not OK. In particular, we don’t want our kids to lie in order to get out of trouble, and we don’t want children to lie to try and impress somebody.
One of the mistakes we can often make is asking a child if something is true, when you know that it isn’t. Asking them just gives them the chance to dig themselves deeper into the lie. So here’s what I suggest instead. Let’s not tempt our children to lie. For example, if we say, “Do you have any homework dear?” Don’t be surprised if your child looks at you with wide-eyed innocence and says “No.” So instead of saying “Do you have any homework”, you could say, “Sit here and show me what homework you have.” You’re making it easier for him to tell the truth.
When we know for sure that our child is lying, we need, in a very friendly manner, to just say so. we don't need to beat around the bush. It doesn't help to say, “Are you sure?” You can just say, “I know what the truth is. Now be brave and tell me the truth.” And of course, you can give very specific, Descriptive Praise for each tiny step in the right direction and don’t give up. for example, "It was brave of you to tell me because you're probably worried that I'll be angry, but you did the right thing and were honest. That took courage."
If you just suspect that your child is lying but you aren't sure, find some way to check up, such as by asking the teacher, but not by asking your child because your child is likely to keep lying. If there is no way to find out for sure, you still want them to know that you doubt what they are saying. You can say something like, “I really wish I could just believe you. But I can’t automatically believe you because what you’re saying doesn’t sound likely.” If you find that your child lies to avoid blame and responsibility, you can help your child be more willing to own up to his misdeeds by giving him Descriptive Praise whenever he says or does anything that is difficult or uncomfortable or requires courage.
If, when our children tell us the truth, we’re pleased that they’ve been brave enough to tell us the truth, they will want to please us by being truthful. Over time they will become more and more honest. If our reaction to our child doing something wrong is a very angry reaction, then it’s completely understandable that our children will try to avoid that reaction, including lying. So we need to practice disciplining our children calmly, instead of angrily. The calmer and more positive we are when we’re dealing with misbehavior, the more honest our children will be with us about misbehavior.
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