Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
We’ve been letting our son watch TV before school, and we realize we can’t do it anymore because the mornings are stressed enough without the added hassle of trying to extract him from watching a show. He’s going to hate this change. Any suggestions?
Noel Janis-Norton
Kids will naturally be upset whenever we’re changing rules. It’s OK for them to be upset. Here’s what I recommend to reduce the upset and have a successful family transition to this new rule.
1. Make sure you and your partner agree on the new rule about TV so that you are a United Front and can back each other up.
2. Several days before you plan to start the new rule, and at a neutral time (dinner, bedtime, etc.), let him know what the new rule is. “Starting next Monday, we’re going to have a new rule about when you can watch television. The new rule is that there will be no TV before school. You can watch TV for a half hour in the afternoon after you’ve finished your homework.” Kids love their “screen time” so have it be something they can earn after they’ve done other things you’d like them to do.
3. The next step is to ask your child to tell you what the new rule is. “So what’s the new rule?” Follow up with more questions so it is clear he understands. “And what day will we start it? “And when will you be able to watch TV? And for how long?” This is called a “think-through”, and it is the best way to increase the likelihood of your child cooperating by jogging his memory about the expectations. When he has to tell you, he is creating a vivid mental image of himself following the new rule. You are giving him the respect he deserves with a fair warning, and you can also empathize (Reflective Listening) with how he may feel about it. “This new rule may make you feel angry or disappointed because you’ve been used to watching TV in the morning, and I know you love TV.” If he asks you why you’re making this new rule, just remain calm and friendly and let him answer his own question. “Good question. Why do you think Dad and I are making this new rule?” Kids always know the answers. If he says “I don’t know”, just ask him to take a guess.
It’s important that whenever you are changing rules, that you have many “think-throughs” with your children about them. Think-throughs always mean asking, not telling. When you ask them and they tell you, they are the ones doing the thinking, so whatever it is they need to do will stick in their long-term memory.
Don’t get drawn into arguments or start reasoning about the new rules. If he complains, you can respond by letting him know that you care and are on his side. “You’re probably upset because this is a rule you don’t like”. Once again, if he asks you why, just ask him to take a guess, and praise him for knowing the answer, or any part of the answer. If he says “You’re doing it just to be mean”, just stay calm and don’t rise to the bait. You could say something like “I can see you’re really angry about it.” He will get over his upset sooner if you don’t argue or reason. It won’t take long before your son is in an entirely new routine and mornings will become calmer, easier and happier.
Making new rules and getting them to stick will be easier if you are using the “think-through” and Reflective Listening strategies. These are two of the five core skills I teach in the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting program. When you start using them, you’ll reduce your child’s resistance to almost anything you ask him to do.
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