Macaroni Kid Reader Asks:
We were so looking forward to a more relaxed summer schedule, but it also means that our 5 and 7 year-old boys are spending a lot of time together and the bickering and teasing is seemingly non-stop. I’m ready for them to go back to school! What’s the best way to help them get along better? Should we have consequences?
Noel Janis-Norton
Siblings squabble primarily to get our attention. The more attention we give their squabbling, the more they’ll do it. So it’s important to turn this dynamic upside-down and make sure that each of your kids hears a lot about what they are doing right and gets specific and descriptive praise. I’ve talked a lot about Descriptive Praise in past columns, but it can really never be emphasized enough. It is the most powerful motivator I’ve ever come across in my forty years as a learning and behavior specialist.
In general, our kids receive more attention when they do things wrong than when they do things right. That’s because when they do something wrong or annoying, we get frustrated and reprimand and correct. But as I mentioned, this attention just reinforces that negative behavior.
So begin noticing all the times when your kids are getting along, even if it’s just for a minute or two. "In the past ten minutes, you haven’t teased your brother. You’ve been kind." Or "You’ve both been sharing the LEGOs and there’s no arguing. Very friendly." Or "I can tell you’re both angry, but nobody is hitting. You’re working it out and you didn’t come to me for help."
Refereeing is another thing parents often do when siblings argue, but I recommend that you don’t try to solve their problems and get involved. Once again it gives them attention for arguing! Siblings are capable of resolving their differences. The best thing to do is to Reflectively Listen, acknowledging their frustration or anger if they come to you wanting you to intervene. For example, you might say, "He messed up your game; that’s so frustrating." Or "It must really hurt your feelings when he teases you." You may wonder how this would help, but just letting them know that you’re on their side with this type of empathic listening will help to defuse their upset and work toward problem solving on their own.
Parents often ask what the consequences should be for siblings fighting or deliberately trying to annoy each other. Most consequences focus attention on the bad behavior, giving kids the impressions that they’ve done something wrong. But fighting, teasing and grabbing, aren’t bad, they are just immature responses. Our job is to teach and train more mature responses, rather than punish, which often just makes the problem worse.
Most consequences don’t motivate our kids to do it right the next time. And most consequences don’t teach self-control. The best consequence is what I call an "Action Replay", where both kids re-enact the scenario, and this time they have to do it the right way. This teaches kids constructive ways to handle their problems and ends the incident, whether large or small, on a positive note.
The more you use these core strategies in the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting program like Descriptive Praise, Reflective Listening and Action Replays, the more your kids will enjoy each other, appreciate each other and play together more peacefully. Sibling relationships will improve and family life will become calmer, easier and happier.
Do you have a question for Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting? If so, email us at info@calmerparenting.com. And for parenting tips, you can sign up for our newsletter and follow Noël on Twitter @calmerparenting.
