A Mac Kid Reader Asks:
The last time we flew with our 3-year-old, the flight was a nightmare. He threw a huge tantrum when we buckled him into his seat before take-off and then screamed bloody murder each time we had to re-buckle him after taking him to the bathroom. We were at our wits end. Now we’re dreading flying across country during the holidays and would appreciate any tips to avoid the seat belt tantrums...Help! - Fear of Flying
Noel Janis-Norton Says:
Flying with young children is anxiety producing for most parents. The other day a mom told me that after flying with her 2-year-old and 6-month-old, she was NEVER flying anywhere ever again. She may have been exaggerating, but it is stressful to manage all the equipment - car seats, strollers, diaper bags, toys – and get them down the small aisle, let alone dealing with behavior issues that can make everyone’s travel experience mighty unpleasant.
Although there’s no getting around the equipment we need to bring on board to keep our kids safe, there is a lot we can do to prevent behavior problems like the seat belt tantrums. It’s about being proactive and preparing our child in a very specific way for the flight.
Often when something goes wrong and our child misbehaves in a certain situation, we think it might be a one-time thing and just hope that it doesn’t happen again. This reactive approach of waiting until things go wrong yet again causes us to respond in ways that won’t help our child to want to cooperate: repeating, reasoning, bribing, negotiating, threatening, etc.
A proactive approach means thinking about what went wrong in the past, anticipating that it might go wrong in the future and then being willing to do something different so it’s more likely to go right next time. In the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting approach, we call this strategy “Preparing for Success”, and it helps reduce a child’s resistance to almost anything.
Here’s what to do. A week or more before the flight, start talking with your child about your trip and your travel day – where you’re going, how you’ll get there, who you’ll be seeing, where you’ll be staying, when you’ll leave your house, how you’ll get to the airport, what will happen at the airport (security lines, possible flight delays, etc.), what will happen when you board the flight, what your child will need to do when he gets to his seat, who’s going to buckle him in, what will happen if he needs to go to the bathroom, etc.
Once your child knows all about the trip, then ask him to tell you the plan and walk through each step. When he knows the plan and can tell you all about it, he’ll feel more empowered and less resistant.
We all feel less anxious and more confident when we know what’s ahead and what our role will be in whatever it is that we’re doing. As grown-ups, we know all these things about air travel, but our child doesn’t, so we must take the time to prepare him. You’ll be surprised at how smoothly your travel will go when you are proactive and prepare him in this specific way.
When you ask him to tell you what he’ll need to do once he gets to his seat, you can inject empathy into the conversation, such as, “When you get to your seat, you might wish you didn’t have to put on your seatbelt. We all have to wear seat belts in cars and planes, even Mom and Dad.”
And remember to notice all the little things your child does right as the day proceeds, being very descriptive with your praise, “You helped move our luggage forward as we were checking in—that was helpful to me and your Dad.” or “I noticed that you had your shoes and jacket off and were ready for security so we didn’t make the people behind us wait.” When you take a second to notice and mention the little things he does right, he’ll want to do more of them.
The more we prepare our kids, the easier it is for them to do things right and the more opportunities we’ll have to give them descriptive praise. The two techniques of “Preparing for Success” and “Descriptive Praise” work in tandem, and they are essential for calmer, easier, happier travel with kids and for family life in general. If you missed my earlier columns about these two key parenting skills, take a minute to read them now by clicking on these links. Start practicing these skills every day and you’ll see results sooner than you can believe.
Do you have a question for Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting? If so, email us at info@calmerparenting.com. And for parenting tips, you can sign up for our newsletter and follow Noël on Twitter @calmerparenting.
