Over the past five years, I’ve been answering burning questions from Macaroni Kid readers explaining how to overcome parenting problems. I’ve been asked about how to get kids to stop hitting, how to get them to stay in chairs at mealtimes, how to get kids to bed and to stay in bed, how to have less chaotic mornings, and many others.
There is a common denominator with each of these concerns and that is an underlying lack of cooperation. Our kids aren’t doing what we ask them to do. Some parents call this “not listening”, but it’s not about listening. Chances are that our kids hear perfectly fine. It’s just that they aren’t cooperating; they aren’t doing what we ask them to do the first time we ask.
The result of our kids not doing what we ask is that we end up repeating, reminding, nagging, threatening or yelling. When I ask parents if these things work, the answer is usually “no” or “sometimes”. In the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting approach, our goal is to give you techniques that work 90% of the time.
In one of my very first columns, I shared a technique that is a core skill in our approach: Descriptive Praise. This specific way of praising kids is the most powerful motivator I have ever come across in my 40 years of working with parents and teachers. Descriptive Praise is an essential skill to have in your parenting toolkit if you want your kids to be more cooperative and if you want to stop having to repeat yourself. It also helps improve your relationship with your child. When you start giving your kids Descriptive Praise, they will want to listen to you and do what you ask them to do.
The concept is simple. When your child has done something good that you would like to see him do more of, describe exactly what he has done that you like. Our usual way of praising our kids is vague and over the top. We say things like “amazing, terrific, wow, awesome, great, etc.” With Descriptive Praise, you will be leaving out the superlatives and actually giving him useful information so that he knows exactly what he’s done that’s good, or even just OK. Our kids don’t really do amazing or terrific things every day, and neither do we, but they do a lot of good and OK things that deserve to be noticed and mentioned.
For example, if your toddler is on the changing table lying quietly, you could say, “You’re body is staying so still – that makes it so much easier for mommy to change you.” When you say it with a pleased face and a pleased voice, your child will know that it’s praise. But it we just say “Awesome job on the changing table,” our child won’t know what is so awesome. We need to specifically describe the behavior that we like. And if your child often kicks while you’re changing him, catch him doing it right (you might have to jump in really fast!) and you can say, “Your legs are still and you stopped kicking. That’s the right thing to do.” The more our kids hear about what they are doing right, the more they will want to do things right.
I encourage you to make a goal of Descriptively Praising your children ten times each day. Once you start, you’ll find that you can probably do it way more than that. Your children will also become more confident because they are hearing far more about what they are doing right than about what they are doing wrong. And noticing all the things our child is doing right and mentioning them makes us feel better about the job we are doing as parents.
Descriptive Praise is the first of five core skills we teach in the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting program because it motivates kids to want to do the right thing. When you start using Descriptive Praise, you’ll see better behavior sooner than you can imagine.
Do you have a question for Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting? If so, email us at info@calmerparenting.com. And for parenting tips, you can sign up for our newsletter and follow Noël on Twitter @calmerparenting.
