In February’s column we shared a key strategy that motivates kids to want to do what we ask them to do – Descriptive Praise. This month I want to share another key strategy that maximizes listening and cooperation.
From my 40 years of coaching parents, I know that one of the most frustrating aspects of parenting is all the repeating and reminding you have to do to get your kids to do the simple things you need them to do each day. The following is an email a mom sent to us after attending one of our Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting seminars.
From my 40 years of coaching parents, I know that one of the most frustrating aspects of parenting is all the repeating and reminding you have to do to get your kids to do the simple things you need them to do each day. The following is an email a mom sent to us after attending one of our Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting seminars.
This mom was at her wits end. Her daughter had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and the mom felt as if she spent her days reminding and nagging her daughter to do things. None of it seemed to work and her daughter just tuned her out. Here’s what she wrote to us:
“This morning, after only two days of practicing Noël’s Preparing for Success techniques, my previously recalcitrant, dawdling ten-year old daughter woke up, got dressed, made her bed, made her own breakfast and brushed her teeth, all without a word from me. And I had done the ‘think-through’ about our morning routines just once. I never thought this would happen.”
Within a day or two of learning the Preparing for Success techniques, parents often contact me to share stories like this one. They are surprised that such slight changes in how we talk to our kids can create such positive results.
So what is this magical strategy? It’s really about asking, not telling. We tend to give our kids lots of instructions. We tell them to “Make your bed, brush your teeth, put on your shoes, don’t forget your backpack”, etc. When you “Prepare for Success”, you think about what you would like your child to do and at a calm, neutral time (like the night before at bedtime), you ask your child what she needs to do in the morning. We call this strategy a ‘think-through’. You will ask her several questions about what she needs to do and she has to think about her answers and tell you.
For example, some of your questions might be, “What do you need to do to your bed after you wake up tomorrow? When should you brush your teeth? What will you need to remember to grab before you walk out the door?”
Then have your daughter answer each question. When she tells you what she needs to do, something magical happens in her brain. As she answers, her brain will actually create a vivid mental image of herself doing these things, and this has a positive impact on her memory.
When we tell our kids what we want them to do, we are hoping that they will take us seriously, think about what we’re saying and remember to do it, without our needing to tell them again and again. But because we are the ones doing the talking, it just sounds like a boring lecture and they are not engaged. It’s easy for them to tune us out.
But with a ‘think-through’, it isn’t you but your child who is saying what she has to do, and that’s what creates a powerful impact on her memory and also on her willingness to do it. It’s a very effective technique for improving any habit.
So whenever you are tempted to give your child an instruction, stop and turn it into a question. What should you do…., How will you do it…., When do you need to do it…., etc. The more you ask and don’t tell, the more your kids will remember what they need to do and to do it without reminders.
Preparing for Success is the second of five core skills we teach in the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting program because it reduces resistance and prevents misbehavior. It helps our kids to develop good habits and pretty soon they will just be in the routine of doing them without any reminders. When they get into better habits and routines, we feel better about the job we are doing as parents and family life becomes calmer, easier and happier.
Do you have a question for Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting? If so, email us at info@calmerparenting.com. And for parenting tips, you can sign up for our newsletter and follow Noël on Twitter @calmerparenting.
