A Macaroni Kid Reader asked:
We’re at our wits end with our 3 year-old son’s whining. We tell him that we can’t understand him when he whines and we try to ignore it, but neither seems to be working.
Noël Janis-Norton replied:
Most children will whine on occasion but for some kids whining becomes an entrenched habit. It’s very irritating to listen to, so what sometimes happens is that in order to get our kids to stop the endless whining, we give them whatever it is they were whining for.
Kids are smart, and they try things out, like whining, to see if it works to get them what they want. If it does, even if only occasionally, your son will learn to keep doing it because it just might be that you’ll give in this time, and he develops whining stamina! As soon as you change how you respond to his whining, he will start to do it less.
I also don’t recommend that parents say “I can’t understand you when you whine” or “I can’t hear you” because it’s not true and can be very confusing for children. We understand them and we hear them, but we just don’t like the behavior. Ignoring whining is almost impossible for most of us, and it isn’t very effective either. Here’s what you can do instead.
If your child only whines occasionally, the most effective response is to “reflectively listen”. What this means is to reflect back to your child how you imagine he is feeling. “It sounds like you really wish I would play with you right now, and you’re annoyed that you have to wait.” When kids feel heard and understood it defuses their upset feelings. This strategy is almost magical, and I recommend adding it to your parenting tool-kit. It’s one of the five core strategies we teach in the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting program.
If your child has turned whining into a fine art, you’ll need a more focused approach. Here are four tested strategies that will help you get a whole lot less whining.
1. Wait until your son stops whining (or even just stops to take a quick breath!) and descriptively praise him: “You stopped whining. Now I want to listen to you.”
2. Though it might seem like your son whines all the time, there are probably lots of times during the day when he isn’t whining, so you’ve got to notice and mention it. “You’re using such a friendly voice…” or “For the last ten minutes, you haven’t whined—what a pleasant voice.” The more your son gets attention for the positive behavior, the less he’ll seek negative attention by whining.
3. An “Action Replay” is another effective strategy. When your son says something in a whiny voice, wait until he stops and then you can have him say it again in a friendly, respectful voice. Action Replays end all discipline on a positive note.
4. Prepare for success by making a new rule and doing a “think-through” about it with your son. For example, you might say, “There’s a new rule about how you need to ask for things. When you use a friendly voice, I will answer you and think about what you’ve asked. So what’s our new rule about asking for things?” Have your son tell you the rule in his own words. This is not only a rule for your son but also for you! When he whines, don’t answer him. Just wait until he stops and then say, “What’s the rule about how you can ask for things?” After he tells you, you can say, “That’s right. You know the rule. Now I’m going to set the timer for five minutes, and when it goes ding, you can ask again.”
When you follow through consistently in these positive and firm ways, your son will quickly learn that whining no longer works, and you’ll have a lot less whining in your house. Family life will become calmer, easier and happier.
For weekly parenting tips, follow Noel on Twitter @calmerparenting
