To succeed, kids need to do a lot of stuff, such as: be the soccer star, play the oboe, perform in all the musicals, and volunteer, not to mention, get straight A’s or forget about going to a good college. Even preschoolers leave school to then go to Spanish, music, and art classes. And if kids do all of those things, then they’ll succeed, right? Well, there is (at least) one major flaw in that line of thinking: it has completely neglected empathy development. All of those things kids need to do are about themselves: I need to build my résumé. I need to be the best. It’s part of our “selfie” culture, as Michele Borba points out in her book UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.
What kids really need to be happy and successful (in other words, to thrive) is empathy. The research shows that people who can empathize are more likely to:
• Be healthy
• Be gritty
• Be kind
• Find true happiness
• Have strong social support
• Score higher on math and reading tests
• Think critically
• Have moral courage
• Be financially sound
Empathy helps us connect with and communicate with others, which is why it helps us be healthy, happy, and kind, and have friends. That is also why employers value empathetic employees.
Empathy development is also one of the best ways to combat bullying. When you have empathy for the victim of bullying, you are more likely to be brave and step in to help the victim by saying something like, “Hey. Come play with me!” or by saying to the bully, “You know, that’s really not funny” when all the other kids are laughing. We need to empower bystanders with empathy and concrete steps to take when they see bullying. Increasing cyberbullies’ empathy for victims also helps reduce bullying. It is harder to bully someone when you can feel their feelings.
Empathy is an essential component of a happy academic life, which is precisely the goal of Fireborn Institute. Katherine Firestone, a former teacher, started Fireborn Institute to help parents promote happy academic and social lives of their children by providing them with practical and easy-to-remember strategies. That way all children thrive at school.
There are lots of ways parents can help their children build their empathy:
- Heart Attack: Help your child “attack” his friends with love. Using colored construction paper, cut out lots of hearts – enough so you can mostly cover a door. On about a third of the hearts, have your child write nice things about his friend. Then, sneakily, take your child to his friend’s house and tape all of the hearts to the friend’s door. Then leave before the friend notices so it’s a surprise. (Though, be sure to write who the attack is from on at least one heart.)
- The Goods: At dinner every night, ask your kids for "the goods": one good thing you did; one good thing someone else did; and just one good thing that happened that day. Gratitude not only makes you happier, it helps you to be a kinder person and to get more satisfaction out of relationships, and it enhances your empathy. So practice gratitude by discussing The Goods and build empathy in the process!
- Magnets: Have color coded magnets for the fridge. Green = happy, blue = sad, yellow = an off day, red = a bad day. Every day adjust your color accordingly and let your kids have magnets too if they want them. Your children will start tuning into your feelings more and will develop some language to talk about how they are feeling.
- Family Mottos: Develop a family motto. Talk with your children about what's important to your family. Who are we? What do we stand for? We are inclusive. We are kind. We are brave. And then have a deeper discussion about what those things mean. Bring the family motto up at dinner. In what way were you inclusive today? In what way were you kind?
- Bucket Filling: Read or watch How Full is Your Bucket? Talk with your kids about how everyone has an invisible bucket. When we are happy, our bucket is full. When we are sad, it’s empty. When we do nice things for others, we add to their bucket and to our own because it feels good to be kind. When someone is mean to us, water drips out – they are bucket dippers. Our buckets have lids. So if someone is being a bucket dipper, we can put on our lid so they don’t hurt us. If you see someone dipping from another person’s bucket, you can use your lid to cover their bucket and protect them. Talk to your kids about what that would look like.
By talking with your child about his emotions and those of other kids, you will naturally help him to start developing empathy. It’s never too late to start working on it. You can give heart attacks, talk about the goods, or develop a family motto as young children or as teenagers.
Check out Fireborn’s podcast, website, and blog, for more ways to promote empathy along with other strategies for encouraging successful academic careers.
About Fireborn Institute
Fireborn Institute is a non-profit that provides parents with practical and easy-to-remember strategies to help their children in school. Through our lectures, podcast & handouts, we coach parents on topics such as helping with homework or conquering a messy backpack. Our ultimate goal is to help parents help their kids thrive at school.
About Katherine Firestone
Katherine had a hard time in school because she suffered from undiagnosed ADHD till her junior year of high school. What made her successful during this time was the support system she had around her. After college, she worked as a teacher, and saw that parents wanted to help their kids at home, but didn’t know what to do. She started the Fireborn Institute to give parents ideas on how to help because success at school is enhanced at home.