No new mom wants to deal with unsolicited parenting advice. And when it comes from your mother-in-law, it can seem even worse!
I recently spoke to Dr. Deanna Brann, a clinical psychotherapist and an expert in the field of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships (and she’s also a daughter-in-law AND mother-in-law herself). She offers five great tips to handle unwanted parenting advice from your mother-in-law.
Tip 1: Don’t take what she says personally—it speaks more about her than you. Dr. Brann told me she’s found that new moms sometimes have a tendency to personalize things when people talk to them about being a parent. Then, you consider the additional layer of your mother-in-law doing that, and it can make any new mom tense and uncomfortable. Dr. Brann reminds everyone that, “Your mother-in-law has good intentions. She doesn’t see what she says or does as being pushy--just being helpful."
Remember, you can parent your child any way that you want.”Your MIL’s not passing judgment—what she’s passing along is simply another person’s opinion, maybe based on their own experience of being a new mom," Dr. Brann says.
Tip 2: Use humor. When your MIL brings something up, just laugh, and shake your head like she’s told the funniest joke, and then change the subject. Try to see the lighter side of things in what your MIL is telling you.
“It’s not the end of the world,” Dr. Brann says. “You can see that the things your MIL is saying may be way off base, but make light of it. You can tell your girlfriends about it later and get it off your chest.”
If your MIL is trying to be helpful—and she probably is—then treat her suggestions gently. Don’t hurt her feelings. The key is not to make everything a battle, because it’s not worth it.
Tip 3: Turn it around. When your MIL jumps in with unsolicited advice, ask her if that is what she did with your husband when he was a child. That way, you can get her into a discussion about that particular story (and this shifts the focus away from you and your parenting). When you’ve finished listening to what your MIL has to say, simply change the subject.
This is a great way to hear why your MIL feels the way that she does, and also gives you the chance to deflect the advice from yourself. If you feel her advice is sound, then go for it! No matter how you feel about her story or her reason, she’ll feel good about sharing, and it puts her words in perspective.
Tip 4: Use silence. When your MIL makes a comment that you find upsetting, stop what you’re doing, and look at her but say nothing. “Let the silence linger for a few minutes, and then change the subject,” Dr. Brann says. “Sometimes we feel we have to say something, but silence also says a lot. Look at her and then move on.”
You aren’t being confrontational by not answering verbally. Although we’re trained to respond to everything that someone says to us, you don’t have to. Move on, change the subject, and act like nothing happened.
Tip 5: Present a united front. Perhaps your MIL isn’t getting the message that you’re sending. You can approach her with your husband and let her know that although you appreciate her insights and suggestions, the two of you have determined what parenting style works best for you.
But first, you and your husband should talk and develop the message that you’d like to give her, so that you’re in total agreement. It's very important that you convey a united front. That way, she’ll see and hear both of you, and your MIL will understand that it’s something you both agree on. Of course, do this is a loving, kind, generous way. Just be sure to make it very clear by saying: This is what we expect with our children.
Grandparents should respect that the parents are the parents. Of course, though, expect your in-laws to want to do some things their way. It makes their time with the kids special and something that everyone looks forward to. The bond between many kids and grandparents is an especially strong one. As long as it doesn’t affect their health or future behavior, they should be able to enjoy the time with your kids in their own way.
Deanna Brann, Ph.D., is a leading expert in the field of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships. She has over 25 years experience as a clinical psychotherapist and ran her own private practice for more than 18 years. Based in Knoxville, TN, Dr. Brann is a sought-after speaker, author and seminar leader. She is the two-time author of Reluctantly Related: Secrets To Getting Along With Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law Say the Darndest Things. Learn more about her at her website.
